he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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