mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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