dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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