dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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