Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
