didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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