I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
