so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
True strength comes from lack of pants
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