The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
