My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
