Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
