my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
