he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
