I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
