Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
