I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize