he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize