I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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