Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
