Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
