Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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