I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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