who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize