I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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