did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize