so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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