I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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