I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
