Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
