I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
