I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
