I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
3 2 1 whiskey
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
