apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
