guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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