the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
