Umm I'm too high to move.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
