I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
