i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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