Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
