I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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