And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize