shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
