I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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