my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
