Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
