My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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