it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize