just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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