Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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