I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
