I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
