i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize