I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
