Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
