i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dick very happy bro
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
