things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You may now shotgun with the bride
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize