I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
