Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Plan B is the new Plan A
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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