Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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