So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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