I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize