So drunk its hurt
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
