Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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