Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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