Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
