I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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